xAutoDMClever, sharp, and quotable — the wittiest tweets on X, hand-picked.
45 tweets · Collected July 2026
Rest In Peace Techno ❤️ I was lucky enough to be able to spend time with him very recently and the fact that he was still just as witty and positive despite his condition really shows how strong and determined he was. Life is short but you had a massive one, we'll all miss you
doctor: are you sexually active? me: no I usually just lie there 😜🤙 doctor (writing in my chart): effortlessly witty....and quite beautiful, I might add
Techno was an absolute force to be reckoned with. Unapologetically talented and witty during everything he did. We didn’t hang out a lot but everytime we did it was absolutely golden I’ll always cherish even what little time I got with him
fact: the most tiring and stressful human activity is trying to keep up a witty back and forth in the dm’s with someone you want to impress
Hey @elonmusk what’s this about blue checks going away unless we pay Twitter? I’ve been here for 15 years giving my ⏰ & witty thoughts all for bupkis. Now you’re telling me that I have to pay for something you gave me for free? What is this-the Colombia Records & Tape Club?🙄
I just read this on Facebook: Someone asked "Why do many British people not like Donald Trump?" Nate White, an articulate and witty writer from England, wrote this magnificent response: 1/
belittling people is not gonna suffice as comedy anymore and it’s prolly scary cuz some of y’all gonna have to face the fact that ur mean and not witty
I feel so bad for the families of the victims that have to sit there and see their terrors revived as a witty romantic thriller
What happened in Paul Rudd's early life that made him so genuine, so nice, so witty, so talented, so RELENTLESSLY CHARMING?? We need the formula so we can replicate it in every guy ever everywhere from now on forever. An entire planet of Paul Rudds please
it's genuinely tragic that a game with writing this witty and nuanced is stuck with so many fans who are fundamentally incapable of understanding it
taehyung being his genius and witty self ; a needed thread
when you transfer old pokemon for candy and forget the witty names you gave them
"Harrison walks in & he's just too cool for school. Carrie was funny & witty & adorable." #TrueStory
There's just something about Run BTS that genuinely became this platform of BTS being so comfortable in their own skin that it doesn't feel a variety show from the world's biggest group anymore, just a bunch of guys that's genuinely funny, witty and pure wholesome
let’s bring back namjoon’s witty english tweets
Sasha was killed alongside Pierre. She was talented, well-sourced and witty. She liked photography, poetry and music. We became fast friends over a shared love of coffee. She was 24 years old.
Born April 2nd 1914 #AlecGuinness is one of the finest & most versatile actors of all time. He also happened to be kind, warm, witty, as well as generous & unassuming. He was everything I wanted him to be... & much, much more. #ForeverGratefulForOurFriendship
“The Plus, Self-Help for People Who Hate Self-Help”, by the very smart and witty @greggutfeld, is on sale now. It is great, Canceling Cancel Culture. Make his book as successful as his T.V. Show. Buy it now!
I’ve been living in the UK for nearly 20 years. I love it. Great people; warm and witty and friendly. Amazing creators, scientists, artists, engineers. But jesus, represented in parliament by a clatter of total morons.
Seokjin's older brother made a post on his IG about Seokjin's money bath 😆 The whole family is so witty!
Yes, we KNOW Lincoln was a Republican. You’re not being witty. It isn’t a gotcha. But what does that have to do with Trump and today’s Republican Party?
Elon Musk desperately, desperately wants you to believe he is witty and brilliant. That's why he created the account Adrian Dittmann. He wants to be one of the popular kids sooo badly, pathetic
When you think of a witty reply to a tweet, instead of replying (or worse still, quote-tweeting) with it, look at the existing replies and like the one that's there already.
I feel like if you're not witty at 140 characters, you're not gonna be very witty at 280
People are going to say Tobey because that’s the spider man movie we grew up on but Tom Holland is the epitome of Spidey with the awkward geekiness, witty jokes, and immaturity of being a high school super hero. If you disagree you’re not a Spider-man fan you’re just a movie fan
Attention: ALL RACIST stay off my page. It’s not my job to answer your dumb ass sarcastic questions. You’re not witty, you’re pretty shitty and you will never turn me around. I already know right from wrong but obviously you don’t. TAKE IT UP WITH GOD.
"Your witty wordplay based on the prompt is admirable, but I've deployed a vulgar slur for my answer. That appears to be Quiplash, Mr. Bond."
Really scared for other CEOs' safety right now 💔 Specifically Erhardt Preitauer (CareSource), Kim Keck (BlueCross), Lisa Erickson (Medica), J David Joyner (CVS), Joseph Zubretsky (Molina), Andrew Witty (UHG), David Cordani (Cigna), Mark Bertolini (Oscar), Jim Rechtin (Humana)
I insulted @elonmusk yesterday on @Twitter, so for the next 24-48 hours there will be 100's of replies drowning out whatever I say w/ something witty like "shut-up Jew". Fulfilling Elon's vision of "free speech" utopia where anyone who speaks truth to power is drowned out w/ hate
Just saw this on FB, and it immediately had me in stitches. Witty! 😂😂😂 CTTO: Otto Joel.
UnitedHealth CEO Andrew Witty says that the company will continue the legacy of Brian Thompson and will combat 'unnecessary' care for sustainability reasons.
How to become friends with someone on twitter: -quietly stalk their twitter -like and retweet their tweets occasionally -make a witty reply to their tweet -BUT NOT TOO MANY TIMES OR THATS CREEPY -end up liking all their tweets -DONT HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION WITH THEM THATS ABSURD
There are meals in your life you will never forget. Meals you will tell your grandkids about. Last night was one of them. I had dinner with someone I’ve admired for a long long time. And she did not disappoint. Witty and whip smart, she had a twinkle in her eye the whole night.
Chris Witty should announce sternly that it's now clear the number of people who despise Johnson is doubling every two days, and we have to accept it will have affected everyone by Christmas, especially anyone who's been in close contact with him.
I’m stunned. I really mean that. Rishi Sunak has, since his loss, transformed into an eloquent, measured, witty, gracious, sombre statesman who is truly interesting to listen to… attentively. Where was this man before? I’m asking in all seriousness.
Last night for the last time we held our precious father as he left us, peacefully, listening to his favorite music and surrounded by the love of the family he created. John Przybyla was the light in my heart, the most loving, gentle, humble, witty father any girl could ask for
Have you ever heard him say anything insightful? Something clever? A witty remark, suggesting high intellect? Have you ever seen him exude the statesmanlike gravitas of a world leader? Discuss policy with any depth of knowledge? No? You know why? Because he’s a fucking idiot🤦🏼♂️
Starting my own site where you only get 70 characters. You need to be SUPER witty
One tip.. instead of writing witty letters to the president so you can tweet them out for praise, take your family down to the riots and show them your good work. And let THEM know you turned down help. Thank you
.@elonmusk joined @ggreenwald to attack @MollyJongFast with super witty 1984 jokes AND her home address (in response to her statements regarding rich white men bullies who feel threatened by progress): this version of "free speech" (bullying, hatred, doxing) stifles speech.
"Shush" has prepared a few witty jokes for you, Trailblazer. Would you like to hear them?
I love being such a savvy, witty, artistic, well rounded, sexy girl. There’s not much I can’t do
🗣️ SEVENTEEN! 🦦 SEVENTEEN! SEVENTEEN, that’s right! 👈 🦦 I was the only 17-year-old among 13 members 🗣️ okay, so they name the group because of you? 🦦 yeah Even in a tiny preview Dino is so witty & funny. I can’t wait for the whole ep of Machunda Kany on Aug 7 #DINO #디노
Chris Witty and Matt Hancock should be not get comfortable during this Fauci hearing. This ends one way for all of them.
People "offended" by The Foreign Secretary's comments today are humourless, deliberately obtuse, snowflakes-it's a witty metaphor #getalife
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