xAutoDMThe cleanest, funniest roasts and comebacks on X, hand-picked.
45 tweets · Collected July 2026
So...my Dad died today & honestly I’m not sure how to feel. I’m sad, but I’m also happy 4 all the great times we had together. We’d roast each other like homies more than Father & Son, and I really liked that. He was my best friend & my idol. Love U Dad...I’ll miss u. - J.D.
I practiced 😇 (I know I’m bad don’t roast me)
This may be the best roast in Olympics history 🤣
Oh absolutely. Skip all that pregnancy and labor and just put my baby on like a roast in the slow cooker.
@MrBeast you still haven't given me those lines for the dream short from months ago wtf is wrong with you roast him
I didn't roast Hollywood for being a bunch of liberals. I myself am a liberal. Nothing wrong with that. I roasted them for wearing their liberalism like a medal. I'm such a snowflake, liberal, I can't even really hate them for it. But my job is to take the piss. I did that. 😇
If you’re a girl and you don’t have a group of guy friends that roast you 24/7 I feel bad for you bc them mfs made my skin thick as hell. Ain’t no one telling me something i havent already heard from those assholes
my biggest fear is laughing during a roast session and hearing “I KNOW YOU NOT LAUGHING”
BARISTA: what can I get you ME: medium roast please B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato M: *under breath* damn
I thought about attending the Roast of Tom Brady last night, but I did not want to Roast him for a 3rd time!!
calling pussy roast beef when ballsacks look like ice cream scoops of elephant skin is quite unfair to women and their bodies
Can't wait to roast my kids in a family group chat
For the past four years it’s been my job - nay, my PLEASURE - to be the tweeter behind the @OKWildlifeDept account. This is my final post. It’s been my absolute honor to roast and ratio some of you into the ground in the name of science. Let’s take a trip down memory lane: 🧵
Nikki Glaser crushed Golden Globe roast: - “Ozempic’s biggest night!” - “You’re all so famous and powerful. You can do anything, except tell the country who to vote for.” - “The Bear. The Penguin. Baby Reindeer, these aren’t just things in RFK’s freezer.”
the best way i can describe the difference between drakes responses and kendrick’s is that they’re both in a roast battle with a big crowd around them and drake is turning and looking at the crowd for validation after every roast and kendrick is staring directly into his soul😂😂
this lady posted her and her man on TikTok and mannnnn!!I aint never witnessed a positive roast session before 😭🤣😭
Italian patriot Simone Carabella shows up at an Islamic party in Rome with a roast pork sandwich: "Rome is my home, no one can tell me what to do or not to do."
Colin Jost and Michael Che’s SNL Christmas Joke Swap this year included Scarlett Johansson as a special guest. “I’ve been eating roast beef every night since my wife had the kid!”
This song is for 26 yr old women who think they grown cuz they live by theirselves, drink wine, and cook pot roast
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’ guess i’m a roast carrot now
Imagine being on Twitter and having the worst thing you’re called in a given day is “bedbug.” My own friends roast me harder than that 😂
Hey @McDonalds, roast us.
If I can regularly roast Trump sycophants in 280 characters or less, I can speak to progressive values in 60 secs (& maybe filibuster a few extra 😉). Meanwhile, you’re supporting GOP sabatoge of people’s medicine, votes, etc by mail bc apparently democracy means nothing to you.
When we hit 10 Mil, Ethan and I would like to invite fellow YouTubers to join us in a 10M sub Dolan Twins Roast. Who do you want to see roast us?
this is what I said at the end of my roast set on CNN tonight that I zoomed through beacause I was running out of time (and scared) : Since I only have a minute left and I’m live on an establishment media, I figured I’d list some of things mainstream media will never cover: The first trump shooter didn’t have any silverware in his house,The Crown prince of Saudi Arabia put money into Disney, why is fluoride still in our water? Monsanto paid Google to skew search results, why are so many presidents chefs dead?
im learning how to roast a chicken
This is just comically stupid. 1. Italian roast is a style of roasting. It has nothing to do with origin. 2. Coffee is not grown commercially in Italy. "Italian" coffees are imported and then roasted in Italy. One of Italy's main suppliers is...you guessed it...Colombia.
Full set of Katt Williams on The Roast of Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart and Katt Williams end their long-running beef live on Netflix.
Pete 2005-2022 Yesterday Pete had a sausage biscuit; spent a day in the sunshine with his brothers; got lots of love; and ate roast chicken for dinner. He died suddenly less than an hour later in his Daddy’s arms. He was 17. I think the best tribute is just one word: PETE! ❤️
Nothing but respect for people who are brave enough to sleep on top of their duvet in warm weather because I’d rather roast to death under mine than expose myself to potential demons
Norm Macdonald’s appearance at the Roast of Bob Saget was unlike anything ever seen before. Watch this legendary clip with additional footage.
So you’re telling me British people have roast dinner every Sunday and then to make Christmas really special they have… roast dinner.
Black Americans will ROAST your ass, slow cook em. Til they mad and go look in the mirror, like she's right.😄😄🤦🏽
There are no words to describe this, DOGE has found analyzing US Treasury Payments - The Pentagon spend $600 million a year on sushi - The IRS is spending $230,000 a month on Starbucks Cinnamon roast K-cups - $1,280 per little disposable plastic cup used to drink coffee from “This is a The IRS headquarters building where 92% of the employees are working from home. 92 out of every 100 employees in that office are home, yet they are still spending $230,000 per month on just cinnamon KC cups from Starbucks” And there is so much more…..
Ever see a photo of someone else’s roast dinner and just think glad I’m not part of that family
Houston and Dallas are the friends that roast each other at the lunch table all the time but hold it down for each other when needed.
When you get your roast sense too late 😂🔥👋🏽 http://t.co/e87pa7driz
A love to roast ratio like this >>>>>>>
This is a first ever post by a lonely, disabled woman in Brighton's roast dinner Facebook page. The responses are life-affirming.
did he deadass choose 2 roast signora with these lines from how tsarista is constantly frowning
Justin Trudeau's transformation into a lesbian is almost complete.
After you roast your girl and she say "no don't touch me"
in case you were wondering how my pot roast turned out
what kind of world do we live in where someone is cat fishing my pot roast
🚨 LMAO!! President Trump just dropped this GEM of Kaitlan Collins as Dylan Mulvaney from the woke Bud Light ad — after his HILARIOUS White House Correspondents Dinner roast Funniest president ever 😭 They can't get mad at him for comparing her to a man pretending to be a woman! 🤣 "I thought Kaitlan had really made it big with a major new sponsorship. But then I informed her that it wasn't her on the Bud Light can. It was Dylan Mulvaney!" "I want to personally congratulate CNN's Kaitlan Collins on receiving her award. It was all about me. It's a FAKE. She shouldn't get the award!" "She's a young, attractive woman. She never smiles. I said, Kaitlan, do you have a smile? Smile!" "You have a nice position. You're at CNN fake news. You should be a happy person. So smile, Kaitlan. Just smile."
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